Finals Mayhem!

Most of you who will actually read this, know that I am working on my master's thesis. By "working on it" I mean sort of starting. My committee chair, Jeremy Grimshaw, let me know that picking a topic is the hardest part right up until you hit editing. He encouraged me to "swim" in the literature out there and find something that has been under studied and study it.

During my "swim" I found an original opera manuscript in the vaults at BYU that dates back to the early 1800's. No one can read it since the alphabet used has not been seen much since the mid 1800's. The parts are also in disarray and the full score is missing. I have studied paleography and could transliterate and translate the document as well as lining up the parts to create a full, usable score of an opera that hasn't been performed in over a century. I was so excited about my find! Unfortunately, the head of the department thought it was more appropriate for a dissertation than a thesis. After more swimming I settled on:

A Melting Pot of Style: Stylistic eclecticism in Richard Strauss’ Ariadne auf Naxos.

When it comes to Ariadne auf Naxos (a comic opera) everyone has something to say. When scholars mention it, even just in passing, they either call it a neoclassical opera or refute those who do. Few do any more than label it and move on, and none show how they reached their conclusion. I am super excited to become a Strauss expert during the next year while I address an issue that has been under-studied in my field. Nerdy? YOU BET! I am thirteen pages in and only have 70-90 more!

For finals all I had to do was submit my prospectus for approval. The mayhem kicked in here:

1500 pages of grading for my reading pleasure! This is the first group turned in

...about 1000 pages.

I pulled an all-nighter Monday night with Kevin to help him with a beastly paper that had a super strange prompt. Tuesday, Evelyn started acting sick. Wednesday, I realized she must be teething (drooling, crying, gnawing on everything, and loving the cold teether). So Thursday and Friday we lived on the couch snuggling and my grading took a hiatus. She is so precious. I love our snuggle time, but will be glad when she isn't hurting anymore!

Other highlights of the week:

 At 5 months and 1 week Evelyn figured how to sit up...mostly, and now refuses to lay down. One word. Adorable.

She was so excited to be sitting up that she kept grinning at students 

we passed on campus, and cried when I buckled her in reclining.

By Friday she was sitting almost vertical, but yesterday she developed a 

serious lean that usually ends with her on her face :)

We made it through the week with hard work and impeccable nutrition.

Cold cereal made up 2 meals a day, and a crock pot supper the other. 

Not ideal...but it sure made life easier!

Finally the weekend arrived. We finished Kevin's grad school application and got a chance to relax. We are SO excited for the break!

Kevin and Evelyn taking a much needed siesta.

Re-purpose Projects

Since both Kevin and I are in school and working we have seen fit to seriously limit expenditures. It has almost become a game and has presented me with fun challenges. I have been learning all about how to be creative. I am starting to pick up on how to sew without a pattern, and how to make things beautiful without spending lots of money. I am having a BLAST!

The first is a horrid pillow that made its move to the sewing machine instead of the trash.

For those of you who were my roommates early in college you will remember this was a cool pillow full of personality. I bought it a Pier1 and loved it. However by the time I was a senior it was tattered and found its way under a couch cushion taking the place of a missing spring. 

Rather than throwing it away I decided to remove the fringes and doll it up with some lace (an old DI curtain Kevin and I had in our first apartment) and add a rolled rosette. 

I even re-used some of the fringe for the 'leaf'.

Here are the leftovers that I think I will keep for other random projects.

And now for my next trick!

I am even more pleased with this one since it was my own idea.

I love legwarmers for Evelyn. They make diaper changes super easy while keeping her little legs warm. I bought a pair for her before she was born and they cost $6-7. While I love them...I don't love them THAT much. So I decided to make my own with things I already had around the house.

It took a pair of toe socks and a couple of ponytail holders.

Last year I bought a big pack of ponytail holders from the dollar store. Turns out they don't hold their elastic well at all in hair, but that makes them even better for this project. I made the first pair out of toe socks that I had in my drawer. I don't like they way they feel so they won't be missed. I have since purchased another couple of pairs at the dollar store.

To begin with, cut off the toes. If the rest of the sock was a tube you won't have to worry about a heel or anything.

After that all I had to do was create a hem where I'd cut, and include the hair band. Since they stretch well, but don't quite return to their former size there are no worries about digging into her ankles. *For those of you with real sewing supplies you could totally use elastic. I was just making due with what was in the house.

Voila! There you have it. Not at all challenging and you really couldn't tell by looking at them that they used to be my socks.

I think I mentioned feeding issues...

I think it is sad that I feel the need to explain my behavior, but I do. I would hate to have people misunderstand my motives for doing something they perceive as 'wrong'. So here goes...I bottle feed...all the time. I probably wouldn't have bothered to explain myself, but I had a friend tell me this week she expected more of me and it broke my heart.

...

I had a very complicated pregnancy. A year before conceiving I was diagnosed with a high testosterone, low progesterone disorder. It is the same imbalance that manifests itself as PCOS (although I have never had cysts on my ovaries). Surprisingly, we had no trouble getting pregnant, but we did have a high risk pregnancy that culminated in two months of bedrest.

Evelyn had trouble nursing and we wound up using a shield to help her latch. At home we still had latch issues as I tried to wean her off the shield. I met with multiple lactation consultants during the following month. The lactation consultants kept checking her latch and saying it looked good, but when I got home she would cry unless I used the shield.  In the meantime at two weeks Evelyn began nursing sprees. She would start nursing at 9:00am and would nurse almost non-stop until 9:00pm. Then she would eat five times during the night. When I tried to explain what was going on, the lactation consultants thought I was exaggerating. I finally had to be very specific. She nursed for 45 minutes. Then she would fall asleep (still nursing). If I moved her to put her down she would wake right back up and want to eat immediately. Undisturbed, she usually ‘napped’ for 10-15 minutes then woke up screaming for food and we would repeat the process. I felt awful! Not only was I having a hard time with this, but my poor baby got almost no sleep during the day!

After two weeks of being glued to my couch I began to realize it was no ordinary growth spurt. I began looking for possible reasons why Evelyn would eat all the time. I called the LLL again and they said cluster feedings were very age appropriate and to continue feeding on demand, she probably just had a big appetite and needed to increase supply. No one seemed to take my worries seriously. Eating for 45 minutes out of every hour is NOT normal behavior.  At four weeks I went on serious anti-depressants for post-partum depression. If this was so normal, I had a hard time imagining why anyone would volunteer to have a second child.  Friends told me to learn how to nurse in a sling, but Evelyn was still having issues nursing even with help so that wasn’t an option yet.  I wound up isolated; much worse even than while on bedrest. I wasn’t comfortable with friends coming over while I nursed because she took all my attention and I wasn’t adept enough to help her out under a nursing cover. Nurses told me to try pacifiers because she must be using me as one. I tried. She would spit it out after a moment and chew her hands while crying. Textbook hunger symptoms.

At her six week appointment Evelyn's pediatrician validated my concerns. She had almost stopped gaining weight all together despite her constant nursing. Back to the lactation consultant I went. They gave me an S&S to help supplement her while increasing my supply and explained to me that every woman CAN breastfeed if she keeps at it. After two weeks there was still no improvement. 

Finally one Sunday morning I couldn't take it anymore. I hated strapping on the supplement tubes fifteen minutes after taking them off. I hated being covered in milk from leaky tubes, and I was NOT enjoying my baby. I caved and gave her one of those 2oz readymade formula samples that you are given at the OB/GYN during your third trimester. A miracle happened. She was awake and content! That was the first time in six weeks I had seen her awake and not either crying or nursing. I was aghast. The problem was not with her and her appetite. It was with me! I called my endocrinologist to see if my hormone issues could affect milk supply and she said 1/3 women with my diagnosis would not be able to sustain an infant with breast milk alone. She was shocked that no one, my OB/GYN included, had told me that. 

We immediately began pumping and feeding and supplementing with formula. That day I stopped the anti-depressants cold turkey and felt wonderful. Not even a bit of a slump and it has been several months! I was obviously just suffering from stress. Evelyn instantly became a happy and easygoing baby. She almost never fusses and is hitting all her milestones early. I was afraid that we wouldn't be close since everyone says breastfed infants are closer to their mothers, but I feel like we are SO much closer now because she has her needs met. She smiles and coos all the time. I started to look forward to when she would get up from her naps to play. I feel SO blessed to be her mom and to have her in my home.

As my supply has continued to fail, Evelyn had received more and more formula and is now only getting 3oz a day of breast milk. Formula has been heaven sent. I am so grateful that it was an option for us. Without it my Evelyn wouldn't have had healthy start she has. She is 5 months old tomorrow and weighs in at 17lbs and is in the top 2% for height. She has never been sick and sleeps a 12 hour stretch at night. With future babies I will try to breastfeed again, but I will not have unrealistic expectations for my body. If it isn't working I will stop right away and not put myself or my baby through the trauma we both suffered this time around. Even if people smirk at me for bottle feeding, I know it is what is best for MY baby and me. 

I really do apologize if this seems defensive. It is definitely a sore spot right now. It is hard to remember I am doing the right thing when people at school or church give judgmental looks as I make up some formula, or when a stranger stops to say "breast is best" while I bottle feed Evelyn on campus. For those who are VERY pro-breastfeeding, please realize that not everyone can do it. Whether they choose not to for emotional or physical reasons they have surely only done so after a lot of thought. Perhaps you don't understand some critical reason for their decision. Be supportive and kind.

While we had a rough start, I LOVE being a mommy. I look forward to every day and every new thing that Evelyn does. Milestone for this week...NO BLOWOUTS!