I think I mentioned feeding issues...

I think it is sad that I feel the need to explain my behavior, but I do. I would hate to have people misunderstand my motives for doing something they perceive as 'wrong'. So here goes...I bottle feed...all the time. I probably wouldn't have bothered to explain myself, but I had a friend tell me this week she expected more of me and it broke my heart.

...

I had a very complicated pregnancy. A year before conceiving I was diagnosed with a high testosterone, low progesterone disorder. It is the same imbalance that manifests itself as PCOS (although I have never had cysts on my ovaries). Surprisingly, we had no trouble getting pregnant, but we did have a high risk pregnancy that culminated in two months of bedrest.

Evelyn had trouble nursing and we wound up using a shield to help her latch. At home we still had latch issues as I tried to wean her off the shield. I met with multiple lactation consultants during the following month. The lactation consultants kept checking her latch and saying it looked good, but when I got home she would cry unless I used the shield.  In the meantime at two weeks Evelyn began nursing sprees. She would start nursing at 9:00am and would nurse almost non-stop until 9:00pm. Then she would eat five times during the night. When I tried to explain what was going on, the lactation consultants thought I was exaggerating. I finally had to be very specific. She nursed for 45 minutes. Then she would fall asleep (still nursing). If I moved her to put her down she would wake right back up and want to eat immediately. Undisturbed, she usually ‘napped’ for 10-15 minutes then woke up screaming for food and we would repeat the process. I felt awful! Not only was I having a hard time with this, but my poor baby got almost no sleep during the day!

After two weeks of being glued to my couch I began to realize it was no ordinary growth spurt. I began looking for possible reasons why Evelyn would eat all the time. I called the LLL again and they said cluster feedings were very age appropriate and to continue feeding on demand, she probably just had a big appetite and needed to increase supply. No one seemed to take my worries seriously. Eating for 45 minutes out of every hour is NOT normal behavior.  At four weeks I went on serious anti-depressants for post-partum depression. If this was so normal, I had a hard time imagining why anyone would volunteer to have a second child.  Friends told me to learn how to nurse in a sling, but Evelyn was still having issues nursing even with help so that wasn’t an option yet.  I wound up isolated; much worse even than while on bedrest. I wasn’t comfortable with friends coming over while I nursed because she took all my attention and I wasn’t adept enough to help her out under a nursing cover. Nurses told me to try pacifiers because she must be using me as one. I tried. She would spit it out after a moment and chew her hands while crying. Textbook hunger symptoms.

At her six week appointment Evelyn's pediatrician validated my concerns. She had almost stopped gaining weight all together despite her constant nursing. Back to the lactation consultant I went. They gave me an S&S to help supplement her while increasing my supply and explained to me that every woman CAN breastfeed if she keeps at it. After two weeks there was still no improvement. 

Finally one Sunday morning I couldn't take it anymore. I hated strapping on the supplement tubes fifteen minutes after taking them off. I hated being covered in milk from leaky tubes, and I was NOT enjoying my baby. I caved and gave her one of those 2oz readymade formula samples that you are given at the OB/GYN during your third trimester. A miracle happened. She was awake and content! That was the first time in six weeks I had seen her awake and not either crying or nursing. I was aghast. The problem was not with her and her appetite. It was with me! I called my endocrinologist to see if my hormone issues could affect milk supply and she said 1/3 women with my diagnosis would not be able to sustain an infant with breast milk alone. She was shocked that no one, my OB/GYN included, had told me that. 

We immediately began pumping and feeding and supplementing with formula. That day I stopped the anti-depressants cold turkey and felt wonderful. Not even a bit of a slump and it has been several months! I was obviously just suffering from stress. Evelyn instantly became a happy and easygoing baby. She almost never fusses and is hitting all her milestones early. I was afraid that we wouldn't be close since everyone says breastfed infants are closer to their mothers, but I feel like we are SO much closer now because she has her needs met. She smiles and coos all the time. I started to look forward to when she would get up from her naps to play. I feel SO blessed to be her mom and to have her in my home.

As my supply has continued to fail, Evelyn had received more and more formula and is now only getting 3oz a day of breast milk. Formula has been heaven sent. I am so grateful that it was an option for us. Without it my Evelyn wouldn't have had healthy start she has. She is 5 months old tomorrow and weighs in at 17lbs and is in the top 2% for height. She has never been sick and sleeps a 12 hour stretch at night. With future babies I will try to breastfeed again, but I will not have unrealistic expectations for my body. If it isn't working I will stop right away and not put myself or my baby through the trauma we both suffered this time around. Even if people smirk at me for bottle feeding, I know it is what is best for MY baby and me. 

I really do apologize if this seems defensive. It is definitely a sore spot right now. It is hard to remember I am doing the right thing when people at school or church give judgmental looks as I make up some formula, or when a stranger stops to say "breast is best" while I bottle feed Evelyn on campus. For those who are VERY pro-breastfeeding, please realize that not everyone can do it. Whether they choose not to for emotional or physical reasons they have surely only done so after a lot of thought. Perhaps you don't understand some critical reason for their decision. Be supportive and kind.

While we had a rough start, I LOVE being a mommy. I look forward to every day and every new thing that Evelyn does. Milestone for this week...NO BLOWOUTS!