Gratitude

Evelyn has had a bad cold for the past 3 days. She has had problems sleeping and has needed some extra help with naps. As I held her while she slept in a dark room, for long stretches of time, I have had time to think. My thoughts turned to gratitude. When I returned home from living in India I was surprised by how easy life is here. I was even more surprised that I had never thought about how life would be without the comforts I took for granted as basic needs. Have I always had a car? Yes. Have I almost always had a way to escape the heat or cold? Yes. Have I ever been forced to go hungry for extended periods of time? No. After seeing the poverty among the kids I worked with in India I realized that my 'necessities' weren't necessities at all.

Life in India was exhilarating because everyday was a challenge. Even then, "how to survive the heat?" and "how to not get lost" were still my biggest worries. That showed my background. I was consumed with my 1st world problems. The people I worked with were trying to earn enough money for dinner...not enough to retire on. The kids were just out to survive and learn what they could on the side.

While I rocked my sleeping baby I realized how complacent I have become in my gratitude since 2010. I have been home from India for over three years. Three fast paced and crazy years. I have been so blessed and had started to see the good things as a direct result of my hard work. While I am sure hard work figures heavily into the good things, I realize that these things are blessings from a loving Father in Heaven. Good jobs have been offered to Kevin and I based on our experience. Did we work to gain that experience? Yes, but the resulting jobs have been nothing short of miraculous. Housing and education have yielded similar results. While we have had to work hard and we have had our share of struggles, I acknowledge that life has been good to us.

When I was stuck in bed for most of the 3rd trimester while pregnant with Evelyn I felt like I had earned her. I had stayed still to keep her safe when all I wanted to do was go for a walk or clean my house. Having just moved I endured loneliness, going days between visitors, waiting anxiously for Kevin to finish with his workday so I'd have someone to talk to. Even with all that effort or 'non-effort' as the case was, there is no way for someone to earn a child. I watch as Evelyn learns new things each day and am amazed that God thought I could help raise her. Most of the things she learns give me a good chuckle, but some remind me why I am here and encourage me to do everything I can to help Evelyn develop a knowledge of the truth.

Two weeks ago I was having one of 'those' days. I am pretty sure other moms have had them. Luckily they don't happen often. Evelyn had learned how to open the lid on the toilet and had filled it with new rolls of toilet paper. I came upstairs to a toilet bowl filled with sopping paper...it was even the good stuff! And that was just the beginning. Evelyn is usually adventurous but generally well behaved. That day, though, she tipped over the garbage cans in the kitchen, my room, and her room. She pitched a fit while I was in the office helping tenants and wound up clubbing me in the head with a stapler she found in a drawer. That night we had mutual followed by a Young Women's Presidency meeting. The meeting went from 8:30-9:15 so it was definitely bedtime for Evelyn. She was pretty worked up and I felt haggard. How could I contribute in a meaningful way when all I wanted to do was go home and put my little crazy to bed. I sat wrangling Evelyn, feeling super conspicuous since the other ladies looked so well put together and calm. I finally said a little prayer asking for Evelyn to have help to 'chill out'. During the closing prayer she calmed down and as I peaked at her (to make sure she wasn't rummaging quietly through someones purse) I saw that she had folded her arms and bowed her head. As I gratefully watched her pucker up her little face, squeezing her eyes shut, I felt Gods love for me.

We had worked hard as parents to help her fold her arms for prayers, but to no avail. Our attempts were met with complaints and squeals every time. That was what my efforts alone got me. But when my efforts were combined with the grace of God, I experienced exactly what I needed that evening. I KNEW that God was giving me the encouragement I desperately needed.

We know that it is when we are in our extremities that we come to know God. I have not been called upon to be in the extremities of health, hunger, pain, or injustice, but that night I was in my own extremity. I was tired and discouraged. I thought for sure that I was 'doing it wrong'. God knew that I was trying. That night he taught me that His grace makes all the difference. In the short time since then I have been able to look back on that lesson when I feel my patience wearing thin. I think God knew that I would need that experience to steel my resolve to be more patient. For his gentle understanding of my weaknesses I am grateful.

Evelyn seems to be feeling better this evening so I don't know that I will find the extended time each day to think about gratitude. I DO hope that I will remember that life is at its best when I put forth my best effort and ask God for help, then acknowledge his hand as the blessings come. It's a good day to be grateful.

Summer and Pillows!

Ok, so this summer has been a big turning point in my life. For the first time in years and years I don't have deadlines hanging over my head. Now that I am finished with school, my stress level has gone down SO much. I have had years and years of things like juries, recitals, performances, papers, finals and loads of other things. I loved all those things but life was busy enough that there was always an approaching deadline, and never quite enough time to prepare. Now my main job is keeping Evelyn alive, happy and learning and Kevin fed, happy and supported. I still work, but only 20 hours a week and I am available to play with Evelyn a lot of that time.

July was a big goal setting month for me. I decided to be very present in my home. I always want to be available for my family. Some weeks since then I have dropped off the grid as far as technology goes. I always used to be accessible via phone, email or Facebook, but I have noticed lately that I leave my phone up in my room all day and go a week between checking my email. Sometimes that isn't a good thing since the Young Women's Presidency in our ward does a bunch of planning via email. I think Evelyn is a lot happier now though. I try to not be on the computer at all when she is awake (unless I am working).  She has taught me a LOT about what she knows since I have shut the computer. She brings me toys for me to show her what to do with them. She loves sitting on my lap rocking her baby doll while I rock her, and the other day she chased me around with her teddy bear while she roared.

I feel SO lucky to have her. I thought she was this little miracle when she was born, but the older she gets I realize more and more what a miracle she is. That fact that she can learn so quickly and do so much more than she could a year ago. I find myself feeling more and more grateful each day. Some days I feel antsy to reach the next step in life. You know, having our family be done with school and out in the real world.  Not living in an apartment anymore and having our own space to spread out in. Despite those feelings, I know we are where we need to be doing what we need to be doing and that is all that matters.

Kevin's degree is keeping him super busy with research TA-ing and class work. We don't have much time together, but I love that I now have the time to make him dinner every day!

On to the pillows! I had several pillows that needed a facelift to make it on the couch...or anywhere out in the open. They were covered in pale blue and pink flowers which did not go with my house at all.  Instead I thought I'd go with some bold contrasting fabrics. Most of my furniture and deco are not modern, but these touches work. I like the effect they give my living room as a whole.

The pillows in the picture below are for Evelyn's room. Her room is done in pink and green and I think these will go well. I put button closures on the back. They turned out great!

It is a good day to be grateful!