I Did It Again.

I did it again.

Seriously guys, I will feel like I am adjusting very well to life at home with the kiddos, and then something like yesterday happens. I'd gotten into a good groove (pre and post influenza...there was no grooving during influenza) of cleaning, cooking and playing with the kiddos.

I'd managed to de-stress and stay that way. That is a major thing for me, as those of you who knew me in school will attest.

Earlier this week, Kevin and I went to a furniture liquidation sale and got a new bed and dining room set. They were a steal of a deal for the quality and we were super excited. That got me thinking about the other things on our 'to get' list. I usually avoid thinking about those things because I am a recovering shopper. Thanks to #konmari I rarely feel the need to shop and I like it that way.

Anyways back to the thinking about my list. The things that are left on the list are not small things...in fact, they are the biggest purchases yet. It will probably be a few years before we finish picking those things up. We will need to save and budget and make sure our investments are growing despite spending the extra amounts. So I thought... "Hmmmm....if I could just bring in some money on the side I wouldn't need to wait a couple of years to have a sweet new sectional." I fell for it.

Not that working is bad...at all! You guys know I have been there. I was just so excited that I could keep our savings growing rapidly and STILL have those big things. I looked at my schedule and thought "If I can squeeze all the cleaning/laundry/early meal prep in during morning nap, I can work during afternoon nap." It isn't like that is pushing it or anything. Squeezing 4+ hours of work into 2. "I can do it! Consolidate! I can make the time."

I don't want to sell things so I started searching other jobs online. Suddenly it felt like I HAD to find a job. Like the nice things (dozens of buckets for all our food storage, a new leather sectional, or raised beds for my gardens) HAD to happen right now and not over the next 2-3 years. It felt like I was working to save our livelihood. We have an account dedicated to re-doing our roof and furnace this summer...I could have my wants at the same time as those needs if I worked!

What was I thinking?

I got back into the mindset of buy, buy, buy! Kevin got home and I was all stressed out because I couldn't find anything I liked. The house wasn't clean and I'd had no free time since I'd been on the computer for so long. I was snappy and Kevin wanted to know why.

I told him about my day and what I was thinking and he reminded me that he makes plenty for us. We have a budget for everything we need, a date budget, a family fun budget, and a rigorous savings plan.

I told him that I felt bad that he is at work all day and I am at home. By the time he gets off work I have slept in an extra 30 minutes before the kids wake up, spent an hour + at the gym, and have likely spent 20-30 minutes reading a book or taking a nap. The rest of the day is busy, but most of it doesn't feel like work. I enjoy cleaning my home and get a rush out of seeing the results of my work.

Kevin broke out his usual argument. "I WANT you to have free time. I LOVE it when you can do the things you want! He reminded me that I work just like he does...mine is just more flexible. He reminded me that we have different jobs and that we don't need to compare our hours.

Have I mentioned that I married and angel when it comes to things like this?

I think I will settle down and go back to my happy place where I don't shop for things that I don't need. We have a pretty couch...heck, I usually choose the floor when given the option! I will go back to a peaceful life. Peaceful for me, I am sure your definition will be different. Everyone will have a different idea of peaceful.

I need to can it with the existential crises.

BTW, through a friend, I actually found a job that I might work a few hours a week. No time requirements, but I think I will keep it small to save my sanity if I do take it on.

I have a lot to be grateful for. 

"Father, where shall I work today?"

"Father, where shall I work today?"

And my love flowed warm and free.

Then He pointed out a tiny spot

And said, "Tend that for me."

I answered quickly, "Oh no, not that!

Why, no one would ever see,

No matter how well my work was done.

Not that little place for me."

And the word He spoke, it was not stern;

He answered me tenderly:

"Ah, little one, search that heart of thine; 

Art thou working for them or for me?

Nazareth was a little place, And so was Galilee."

-Meade MacGuire

While I was sick I reached a point where I was too sick to be up, but well enough to read. During that time I came across this poem in President Monson's biography "To the Rescue". It was touching, but I had no one to share it with. I have turned back to that page several times and re-read the words. Each time they have deepened my resolve to lift where I stand, bloom where I am planted, and let God lead me to wherever it is he needs me.

"Father, where shall I work today?"

I cannot offer a meaning for anyone but myself. This is a question I ask in some form each day. God points me to my home and asks me to care for it and my babies. Some days I pray for more opportunities to make a difference outside my family. Sometimes those opportunities come. Regularly, the Lord takes that opportunity to remind me that I still need to work at tending my own little patch.

I used to dream about being important, influential, and impressive. At varying times I dreamed of a variety of 'big' things. In high school I dreamed of dropping that last half a second and qualifying to participate in the olympic trials in swimming. In college I dreamed of being an opera singer. Between degrees I dreamed of being my own version of Mother Teresa. In graduate school I dreamed of being a professor, and even had a great experience teaching at the college level. I dreamed of being seen. I'd always loved attention. Not that I did those things for the sake of attention. I made the choices I felt were good for me, but I always enjoyed the byproduct of being 'interesting'.

"Father, where shall I work today?"

Hug those babies. Don't curse when your pre-schooler has an accident in your lap. Be needed, and not angry. Play patty cake a dozen times and then a dozen more because it is still 15 minutes till nap time.  Sit on the floor and let baby be up in arms and then down, then up and down again. Over and over well past the point your patience ends. Teach skills. Grow confidence. Build character. Be kind and teach kindness. Hug your husband and don't throw the kids at him when he gets home. Build up. Be peaceful. Teach the gospel. 

But if I do those things I won't have time during the day to improve my writing enough to finish that book on Strauss. I'll never be an academic! I won't have time to be more well read. I won't have the time to keep every room in my house clean at the same time. I won't have time to make lots of friends and be social. I miss that.

"Art thou working for them or for me?"

What do you say to that? Do I miss out on some things I really wish I could do? Sure, there are a few things. Is the issue much more of worrying about how the world perceives my value?  I think so. When I remember to set those expectations aside and think more about Gods expectations, life gets a lot less complicated. 

Perhaps I will never be important to the world. Only a few people read my blog posts. I don't know if anyone will even want to read the book on Strauss if I ever finish it. I'll tell you what though, at my house I am essential. 

If Christ and President Monson can do their parts. I can do mine.

New Year, New You?

Well It is New Years day as I write this post. Who knows if I will finish it today. There is laundry to start and 24 hours of 'kid mess' under the table and high chair to clean up (how in the world do they get SO much food on the floor...really? Did I even give them that much?). We have family coming by and I really ought to sweep and mop the floor...even though I just did it before dinner yesterday.

Moving on. New Years is a time of goal setting and usually I am all over that like a crazy rabid squirrel. I'd set my goals and check them off my list one by one as I doggedly worked to make myself over in a myriad of ways. This year feels a little different. Wanna know my new years resolution?

This year I will be healthy.

That's it. I know that is a pretty common one, but here is a slightly different (yet significant) take on it. I will be healthy. Mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically healthy.

The physical one is familiar. I've done that before. I found a great gym that has an all included membership that covers the weight area, cardio area, cardio theater, group classes, child care, and even tanning if that is your thing. I am super excited. Getting my workouts in is tough with the kids, but now I can drop them in the super fun nursery and have ME time without them being bored without me, or without pushing them off on Kevin as soon as dinner is over. I met with a personal trainer this morning and I think this is going to be a lot of fun. I love feeling strong, and full of energy, and that is really all I want out of this. Win!

I have discovered recently that wheat, and corn, and I are not terribly compatible. I've only had wheat 4 days out of the past 6 weeks and I am WAY less fatigued. I'm not swearing off completely since I want to have some sort of tolerance to those ingredients, but I think only eating them on special occasions, church activities, and maybe date night should be adequate to maintain a tolerance so they don't actually make me ill. Yay for healthy!

I will be healthy mentally and emotionally. I will cut myself some slack. I won't berate myself for not being the kind of mom/wife/person that I want to be. I will fix things and move on. If the kids have a high maintenance week I'll take a few days off from the gym. Being healthy all around is all about balance and I am sure there will be weeks when my physical training will need to take a back seat to other things. You know what? That is just fine!

I will be healthy spiritually. This one is big. I want to make sure I take my life to the Lord each day...not just my problems, but everything. The funny stuff too. What person wants a friend who only talks to them when upset or needy? Ugh. That has SO been me when talking with the Big Guy. I can do better.

I am learning a lot about balance and I love who I am becoming as I figure it out. Here is to a new year and building on all I have been learning. Battle cry? BALANCE!