Life Truly Can Be One Big Ironic Face-palm.

Ok. I don't get the opportunity to see most of my friends on a regular basis. Heck, I don't get to see most of my local friends much during cold season either. Either my babies are sick or theirs are. That being said. I often have really funny things happen and I don't have people to share them with in person. I am always calling my mom and dad, but then the kids run off with the phone and, there you have it, end of conversation.

I had something happen last week...well a day of somethings that caused one face-palm after another.

I started the morning by going to the gym. I did biceps, triceps, and shoulders followed by cardio (and I actually ran more than 5 minutes! ...boy do I hate running.) We went straight to the grocery store and I had a great conversation with Evelyn about sometimes and always foods.

I had my menu and my shopping list and it was all set to be a healthy week!  Win!

Anyways, on the way home I was thinking about the excuse that healthy food is too expensive and I thought I would de-bunk that myth. I even took this photo of what $55 bought at the grocery store.

Of course I would choose to do that on a week that I didn't buy a 42oz bag of Starbursts.

Anyways I was going to write a bit of a 'how to' on seasonal produce and price-match and things like that. How you can eat well off not a lot if you put in the time to prep your own food.

You will see the irony.

I went to get a rake out of the garage and the garage door started making a HORRIBLE noise. It was shuddering back and forth and screeching. Holy cow! When something that big makes sounds like that, you run! 

I wound up spending an hour trying to get the door to close and it finally happened....with a terrifyingly loud clang!

I went inside and called Kevin. I am kind of a high anxiety person so that  situation had me all sorts of worked up. Kevin promised to take care of it when he got home.

I was distracted and anxious all afternoon!

Evelyn's favorite food lately has been oatmeal sweetened with protein powder with a handful of flaked coconut and raisins. She asked for some and I nearly lit the microwave on fire! Apparently distracted mommies forget to add water to the oats. There was smoke all over and the bottom of her little bowl melted straight through!

Distracted mommies can also forget to close doors resulting in the baby playing in potty water...win...

Kevin got home to the house smelling like smoke and the three of us waiting at the table with a big pot of mac n cheese. So much for my healthy meal plan and efforts to be an example of health. 

I am not going to lie, I don't feel bad about it because mac n cheese every couple of weeks isn't going to kill my kids. I just think it was ironic that it happened on a day when I was out to prove that anyone could make healthy food choices. I guess making mentally healthy food choices is a different story...a story that changes every day :)

Anyways, Kevin came home, ate some mac n cheese with no complaints, and found someone to repair the door. It turns out we need a new one...add that to the furnace we just replaced, and the roof to be replaced this summer and we will have quite a big year for home improvement!

Here is the menu for the week, plus some cute pictures!

Emergency Mac n cheese (Annie's Organic Aged Cheddar...AMAZING!)

Potato soup w/homemade bread

Sausage and chicken gumbo

Whole 30 perfect sausage (ground turkey) recipe w/broccoli and herb rice

Slow cooker turkey breast w/carrots and potatoes

Chicken parmesean w/pasta and cauliflower 

French toast with eggs and strawberries

Sometimes I go into Evelyn's room and find Rhett snuggling baby doll. 

He LOVES babies!

This has become the only way she naps. Sheer exhaustion.

13 months old and actually wielding a spoon successfully!

I Did It Again.

I did it again.

Seriously guys, I will feel like I am adjusting very well to life at home with the kiddos, and then something like yesterday happens. I'd gotten into a good groove (pre and post influenza...there was no grooving during influenza) of cleaning, cooking and playing with the kiddos.

I'd managed to de-stress and stay that way. That is a major thing for me, as those of you who knew me in school will attest.

Earlier this week, Kevin and I went to a furniture liquidation sale and got a new bed and dining room set. They were a steal of a deal for the quality and we were super excited. That got me thinking about the other things on our 'to get' list. I usually avoid thinking about those things because I am a recovering shopper. Thanks to #konmari I rarely feel the need to shop and I like it that way.

Anyways back to the thinking about my list. The things that are left on the list are not small things...in fact, they are the biggest purchases yet. It will probably be a few years before we finish picking those things up. We will need to save and budget and make sure our investments are growing despite spending the extra amounts. So I thought... "Hmmmm....if I could just bring in some money on the side I wouldn't need to wait a couple of years to have a sweet new sectional." I fell for it.

Not that working is bad...at all! You guys know I have been there. I was just so excited that I could keep our savings growing rapidly and STILL have those big things. I looked at my schedule and thought "If I can squeeze all the cleaning/laundry/early meal prep in during morning nap, I can work during afternoon nap." It isn't like that is pushing it or anything. Squeezing 4+ hours of work into 2. "I can do it! Consolidate! I can make the time."

I don't want to sell things so I started searching other jobs online. Suddenly it felt like I HAD to find a job. Like the nice things (dozens of buckets for all our food storage, a new leather sectional, or raised beds for my gardens) HAD to happen right now and not over the next 2-3 years. It felt like I was working to save our livelihood. We have an account dedicated to re-doing our roof and furnace this summer...I could have my wants at the same time as those needs if I worked!

What was I thinking?

I got back into the mindset of buy, buy, buy! Kevin got home and I was all stressed out because I couldn't find anything I liked. The house wasn't clean and I'd had no free time since I'd been on the computer for so long. I was snappy and Kevin wanted to know why.

I told him about my day and what I was thinking and he reminded me that he makes plenty for us. We have a budget for everything we need, a date budget, a family fun budget, and a rigorous savings plan.

I told him that I felt bad that he is at work all day and I am at home. By the time he gets off work I have slept in an extra 30 minutes before the kids wake up, spent an hour + at the gym, and have likely spent 20-30 minutes reading a book or taking a nap. The rest of the day is busy, but most of it doesn't feel like work. I enjoy cleaning my home and get a rush out of seeing the results of my work.

Kevin broke out his usual argument. "I WANT you to have free time. I LOVE it when you can do the things you want! He reminded me that I work just like he does...mine is just more flexible. He reminded me that we have different jobs and that we don't need to compare our hours.

Have I mentioned that I married and angel when it comes to things like this?

I think I will settle down and go back to my happy place where I don't shop for things that I don't need. We have a pretty couch...heck, I usually choose the floor when given the option! I will go back to a peaceful life. Peaceful for me, I am sure your definition will be different. Everyone will have a different idea of peaceful.

I need to can it with the existential crises.

BTW, through a friend, I actually found a job that I might work a few hours a week. No time requirements, but I think I will keep it small to save my sanity if I do take it on.

I have a lot to be grateful for. 

"Father, where shall I work today?"

"Father, where shall I work today?"

And my love flowed warm and free.

Then He pointed out a tiny spot

And said, "Tend that for me."

I answered quickly, "Oh no, not that!

Why, no one would ever see,

No matter how well my work was done.

Not that little place for me."

And the word He spoke, it was not stern;

He answered me tenderly:

"Ah, little one, search that heart of thine; 

Art thou working for them or for me?

Nazareth was a little place, And so was Galilee."

-Meade MacGuire

While I was sick I reached a point where I was too sick to be up, but well enough to read. During that time I came across this poem in President Monson's biography "To the Rescue". It was touching, but I had no one to share it with. I have turned back to that page several times and re-read the words. Each time they have deepened my resolve to lift where I stand, bloom where I am planted, and let God lead me to wherever it is he needs me.

"Father, where shall I work today?"

I cannot offer a meaning for anyone but myself. This is a question I ask in some form each day. God points me to my home and asks me to care for it and my babies. Some days I pray for more opportunities to make a difference outside my family. Sometimes those opportunities come. Regularly, the Lord takes that opportunity to remind me that I still need to work at tending my own little patch.

I used to dream about being important, influential, and impressive. At varying times I dreamed of a variety of 'big' things. In high school I dreamed of dropping that last half a second and qualifying to participate in the olympic trials in swimming. In college I dreamed of being an opera singer. Between degrees I dreamed of being my own version of Mother Teresa. In graduate school I dreamed of being a professor, and even had a great experience teaching at the college level. I dreamed of being seen. I'd always loved attention. Not that I did those things for the sake of attention. I made the choices I felt were good for me, but I always enjoyed the byproduct of being 'interesting'.

"Father, where shall I work today?"

Hug those babies. Don't curse when your pre-schooler has an accident in your lap. Be needed, and not angry. Play patty cake a dozen times and then a dozen more because it is still 15 minutes till nap time.  Sit on the floor and let baby be up in arms and then down, then up and down again. Over and over well past the point your patience ends. Teach skills. Grow confidence. Build character. Be kind and teach kindness. Hug your husband and don't throw the kids at him when he gets home. Build up. Be peaceful. Teach the gospel. 

But if I do those things I won't have time during the day to improve my writing enough to finish that book on Strauss. I'll never be an academic! I won't have time to be more well read. I won't have the time to keep every room in my house clean at the same time. I won't have time to make lots of friends and be social. I miss that.

"Art thou working for them or for me?"

What do you say to that? Do I miss out on some things I really wish I could do? Sure, there are a few things. Is the issue much more of worrying about how the world perceives my value?  I think so. When I remember to set those expectations aside and think more about Gods expectations, life gets a lot less complicated. 

Perhaps I will never be important to the world. Only a few people read my blog posts. I don't know if anyone will even want to read the book on Strauss if I ever finish it. I'll tell you what though, at my house I am essential. 

If Christ and President Monson can do their parts. I can do mine.

New Year, New You?

Well It is New Years day as I write this post. Who knows if I will finish it today. There is laundry to start and 24 hours of 'kid mess' under the table and high chair to clean up (how in the world do they get SO much food on the floor...really? Did I even give them that much?). We have family coming by and I really ought to sweep and mop the floor...even though I just did it before dinner yesterday.

Moving on. New Years is a time of goal setting and usually I am all over that like a crazy rabid squirrel. I'd set my goals and check them off my list one by one as I doggedly worked to make myself over in a myriad of ways. This year feels a little different. Wanna know my new years resolution?

This year I will be healthy.

That's it. I know that is a pretty common one, but here is a slightly different (yet significant) take on it. I will be healthy. Mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically healthy.

The physical one is familiar. I've done that before. I found a great gym that has an all included membership that covers the weight area, cardio area, cardio theater, group classes, child care, and even tanning if that is your thing. I am super excited. Getting my workouts in is tough with the kids, but now I can drop them in the super fun nursery and have ME time without them being bored without me, or without pushing them off on Kevin as soon as dinner is over. I met with a personal trainer this morning and I think this is going to be a lot of fun. I love feeling strong, and full of energy, and that is really all I want out of this. Win!

I have discovered recently that wheat, and corn, and I are not terribly compatible. I've only had wheat 4 days out of the past 6 weeks and I am WAY less fatigued. I'm not swearing off completely since I want to have some sort of tolerance to those ingredients, but I think only eating them on special occasions, church activities, and maybe date night should be adequate to maintain a tolerance so they don't actually make me ill. Yay for healthy!

I will be healthy mentally and emotionally. I will cut myself some slack. I won't berate myself for not being the kind of mom/wife/person that I want to be. I will fix things and move on. If the kids have a high maintenance week I'll take a few days off from the gym. Being healthy all around is all about balance and I am sure there will be weeks when my physical training will need to take a back seat to other things. You know what? That is just fine!

I will be healthy spiritually. This one is big. I want to make sure I take my life to the Lord each day...not just my problems, but everything. The funny stuff too. What person wants a friend who only talks to them when upset or needy? Ugh. That has SO been me when talking with the Big Guy. I can do better.

I am learning a lot about balance and I love who I am becoming as I figure it out. Here is to a new year and building on all I have been learning. Battle cry? BALANCE!

The Mommy Scene We All Fear...just happened to me.

OK. Some days I wonder if anyone else has kiddos as totally insane as mine. They are hilarious...like, all the time, but they are totally nuts too. Then there are experiences that make me wonder if we are just a roaming hazard (that trip to preschool via stroller comes to mind). Then we have experiences like last night that just make me wonder if I am doing it wrong.

I LOVE family parties. I love seeing my family and socializing. I get a lot of energy from communicating and my family are some of the best communicators I know. Each year we gather and go to see the lights at temple square. We all meet up and have a great time. Last night we went and got dinner then headed to temple square. I was in a fantastic mood since the roads were WAY better than expected and we got to City Creek earlier than necessary. Yay for good roads on a miserably snowy day!

Once close to the temple my older brother suggested that we go touch the temple. what a great experience for the kids. Evelyn was SO excited! Rhett was just wide eyed at all the chaos. He was bundled into the stroller all warm and toasty. After that we headed past the nativity to the visitors center to see the Chrstus.

I was super excited to see it. I have tried to take Evelyn to see it several times, but something has always gotten in the way. While in line Rhett got out of the stroller and snagged his sippy of milk while roaming around our feet. After drinking most of the sippy he inhaled some milk and started coughing. That is when the crap hit the fan. Coughing led to gagging and I struggled to get his coat off since I know my gag reflex is more active when overly warm. I was too late. He puked all over the floor near the top of the escalator.

Am I the only one whose kiddos puke when they cough hard?

Well, I finished taking his coat off since it was all pukey. just in time for him to puke all over his sweat shirt. Perfect. In the craziness Kevin, Paul, Evelyn and I had become separated from the family group. Kevin grabbed the extra 3 blankets I had in the diaper bag, and the wet wipes and tried to clear things up. Paul went for a janitor with Evelyn. I cleaned Rhett up (yep, right there with hundreds of people walking by). Paul came back a moment later with a screaming Evelyn over his shoulder. He'd found someone to help clean up our mess, but for some reason (chaos+ missing bedtime does not mix) Evelyn had melted down and was having the worst fit I have seen in the better part of a year.

I thought we were past that. Tantrums have always been few and far between, but this one was ridiculous! Maybe all her tantrum-ey-ness was all coming out now?

With Paul keeping Evelyn from running off and Kevin still working on the floor puke. I set a now mostly clean Rhett on the floor so I could wipe the puke out of the ribbing on my cardigan and off my pants. Rhett is fast and before I knew it he was over by the Christmas tree, pulling on the ornaments. I grabbed him quick since at home that pulling usually brings the tree down. The last thing we needed was for Rhett to pull the tree down into the muck!

Having done our best to clear things up, and knowing the cleaning pros were on their way, we decided it was time to leave. Stroller...where is the stroller? Oh, right. It is with the family. Boo. Paul handed the still sobbing Evelyn to Kevin and went looking across the room, ahead in line, for the family. He came back a moment later with the stroller. A sweet lady who had been behind us followed him back. She had seen what happened (how could you miss it?), but wanted to invite us to butt in line in front of her so we could still see the Christus if we wanted to. Seriously, I was already super close to tears and her kindness almost did me in. I looked at my crew. We were moist, smelled like puke, and Evelyn was still whimpering. I told her we had better just get the kiddos home, but thanked her for being so kind. It seriously meant a lot when she said "I've been there!"

I put Rhett in his stroller and bundled him under the only clean blanket left and stopped to stuff the messy blankets into a bag.  Evelyn got down and tried to push the stroller away. I told her not to and she immediately dropped to the floor on her face crying again...really?!? We may have scared Paul out of ever having children.

Kevin is the ward mission leader in our ward so we know the Elders pretty well. We turned to leave and BAM there they were smiling at us. I think they had missed the puke part, but I was like oh great! Witnesses!

We booked it back to the SUV and buckled everyone in. I seriously wanted to cry. I felt like this was the one thing I wanted to do this Christmas for ME. I guess that is the life of a mom though. I realized that it was just too much. My kids are almost always asleep by 7 and this whole fiasco went down at 8. No wonder Evelyn threw a fit. She had soda with dinner and was probably coming off a sugar high, after bedtime, in the frigid winter cold.

I had my little pity party on the way home, but once the kids were home and in bed I realized I had somehow survived the mommy scene that we all live in fear of. Then I realized how ridiculous the whole thing was. Seriously? That really happened? Now I can't help but laugh... a lot.

Have I earned a medal yet? Or better yet, how about a vacation?

Fall Happenings...yup still adjusting.

Oh my goodness. What a fall! I feel like I am on a hamster wheel and just need to keep running. Not in a bad way mind you, but life gets going and doesn't slow down.

Evelyn is in preschool and she LOVES it! She is learning so much and making lots of friends. I can't believe that I am old enough to have a preschooler. Yes, I turned thirty...that is pretty grown up, right? I can believe that either.

Rhett is growing really well...like super well. He weighs 25lbs and is WAY off the charts for height. He has been walking for a month and a half now. These days he likes to run after his sister. Crazy kid! I can't believe that he will turn one in January! This year has flown by!

Early this fall Kevin and I took the kids to see the temple. It is so fun to see what Evelyn knows about the temple and teach her more about forever families.

Mom and I bottled raspberry and blackberry jam. I am a jam nut. Rhett wouldn't leave the bottles alone. He loved the way they sounded when they bumped into each other.

Evelyn seriously LOVES preschool. The thing she learns are awesome! I can't believe some of the topics they cover in school. I love that her preschool does a lot with music and skits. I think they are super fin and Evelyn comes home singing all the time. We went with them to the local farm for a field trip. It was fun to watch Evelyn learn more about farms and tie it in with what she already knows from our garden.

Our ward is amazing. We love them. Their Halloween party was great and Evelyn loved meeting the woman who will be her sunbeam teacher in January. (Can you believe she is SO pretty? My girl is growing up!)

Evelyn takes ballet and jazz at the local arts academy. They had a parents day and Kevin took a few hours off from work to come and watch her class. Evelyn is by far the youngest in her class, but she loves it a lot. 

We have a fully mature oak tree in our backyard. It made for a lot of leaves. Like a lot, a lot of leaves.

I finally got the playroom put together. Below is the before and after. I feel so much more relaxed now that those boxes are unpacked. The kids use the toys so much more now that things are organized.

We have been getting sick a lot, but I have heard that it is probably because it is Evelyn's first year of school. Hopefully that is it! We have been sick every month since the school year started. Fingers crossed that sickness goes out with the new year!

I feel like I am finally starting to settle in as a SAHM.  Some days I have to talk myself out of feeling anxious. Why? Because I have nothing to be anxious about! There are no deadlines and really nothing to stress about. I have never had it be like that before! I have always head the end of a semester to worry about or a deadline for work, but now it is just...well...life! Is that normal? Is that what it is like to be out of school and settled in? Crazy!

Sorry for the barrage of photos. We have had a lot going on. I thought I would get an update out even though today is yet another crazy day. The house is coming together. There are still a couple of rooms to finish and furniture to find, but that will keep and is probably better spread over the next year for the sake of our savings plan :)

I don't get it.

So those of you who keep in touch know that I've been adjusting to being a stay-at-home mom. Up until this spring I worked (either on campus or out of an office just off my living room). The past two months in Clearfield have been a real eye opener on what it is like to be a SAHM. I love it. I know for now that is what is best for our family. NOTE: It might not be right for everyone, but for us it is.

The tough thing for me right now is that I feel so much pressure to do more. I don't get it. I care for the kiddos, we go to the park and museums, we play games at home, build forts, read together. I clean, meal plan, make (mostly) healthy meals, coupon for diapers and toiletries, and play board games with my spouse as soon as the kiddos are in bed. It is a full life, but there are constantly voices that inadvertently make that seem inadequate.

I say inadvertently because the voices I am referring to would never ever do that on purpose. "Join my team!" "Work from home!" "Be a leader." "Be inspiring" Sell wraps, books, makeup, jewelry, clothes, financial advice, fitness, anything under the sun. Even my favorite SAHM activists are bloggers that bring in ad credits and end up traveling the country and speaking at Women's Expos. This is NOTHING against momtrepreneurs! If that is what is right for you and your family then that is awesome!

I was having a crazy hard time with that. Maybe I should just pick up one of those so I don't seem lazy. Notice I say SEEM. I guess that is the trouble with being so connected. I don't want people who I haven't seen in six months to think I am lounging my days away :) I get that it is crazy, but that is still how I felt. Maybe I should pick up something like that so I can meet people and be glamorous. An entrepreneur. Maybe I could make my millions in makeup and retire by 35! Possible, but with my temperament just thinking about it stresses me out.

Kevin asked me last night what was wrong and we had a long talk about it. We don't need the extra income since we have a budget in place to meet our financial goals. He knows I would set unreal expectations and then it would just stress me out. My days are FULL as it is just based on my style of parenting. I need to quit looking for "the next big thing" and just enjoy my semi-peaceful, slow and steady life.

I told Kevin that sometimes I wish I were exciting, or that I was inspiring. Heck, I'd settle for appreciated! Who doesn't want that...right? He reminded me that my work was appreciated by my Father in Heaven and by him. Kevin thanks me often for the work I do at home and I realized that I just needed to listen to him more. He told me that if I wanted to be an inspiration that I should remember that I will inspire my children to be good and kind. That one struck a heart string. I will stick with that for now.

It is a good day to be grateful!